Exactly What I Asked For...

It's been 60 days since Levi, Josiah and Isaac came home. Full of energy, exploring everything new.  Levi, Josiah and Isaac are tight.  They love legos and 4 wheeling. They love having brothers and sisters and swimming - well that is the holy grail.

Naomi Giving a Nature Talk on Beavers to the Boys

But - I want you to know that frankly, we had no idea....no idea of how hard this would be.  Eight years in an orphanage...eight years without a Mother to sing to them or a Father to scoop them up. Eight years of being taken care of - certainly - but connected, having the opportunity to form those deep connections with Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother.  No.

There is so much work - catch up really that needs to be done.  English for starters.  If 100% is the measure they are at 2%.  Emotions - how do we express emotions like anger or fear in a family?  - They had no clue (that's much better now by the way).  How do I convey to them how much God loves them - how much I love them?  How do we get them to open up their bond with each other to us - to a family? For the first time in my life I understand I am not capable.

I lack everything these boys need. I do.  I don't have the patience.  I don't the compassion.  I don't have the patience (did I say that already?).  I certainly don't have the Tagalog skills. I don't have enough ...of anything to do this.  I might as well be facing down my fierce enemy with a plastic fork. I am beside myself, frustrated and cry out "Lord I am so angry at his resistance to speak English! How am I supposed to do this!"

And...this is all a blessing. It has driven me to my knees where I have become absolutely destitute.  Each morning I find myself with Jesus -I wish I could say out of my devotion - but no.  It is out of my absolute poverty that I show up. Usually out of gas, exhausted and often discouraged.  I know if I don't show up - I'm done. That is why I go to him.

"You called us to this, this is your doing Jesus - if you don't show up we're going to fail...we have nothing to offer. - we will fail. But this is your story and you do not fail."  And then today I remembered.. on September 6th of last year I prayed this prayer (see post):
              

"Use this Jesus to tell your story. Don't let this be about Lorrie and I. Don't let this be about us. When people see and hear what you are doing Jesus please take the honor, please take the praise, please take what you are worthy of...all of it.

When people want to say "what a nice family" let them say instead "what an amazing Savior."

When people hear about this and think "how are they possibly going to afford that?" let them remember that you are Jehovah Jireh (the Lord will Provide).

When people wonder "how can they adopt and love three kids they've never met?" let them remember that you are Jehovah El Roi (The God who sees me).

This is your story Jesus, we're just blessed enough to be in it. Proclaim your name, get the glory because you are Worthy and it is your story."

Jesus has and is still answering this prayer.  I realize now that for him to get the glory, I have to become nothing - exactly what I asked for.   I have finally learned what it means to become nothing so that Christ can become everything. It has taken the biggest challenge of my life to get me past the point of saying it to doing it - becoming nothing. And I have never seen him more clearly.

He has been and will always be enough.  All things are "Yes" in him.  Yes, these boys have a family and it is and will be good.  Yes, they have a Mom and a Dad and those bonds will strengthen. Yes, they have a home and they will grow to be men and remember it fondly.  And above all, Yes, there is a Savior who loves them...  and they will one day know Him.

Lucky to be in the Story He's Telling.

Marshall