Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Walking out of the crawlspace

I wanted to write a brief update.  So as I said in my last post it's been hard the last couple of weeks.  A big part of this has been the fact that since Jacob got out of the ICU he has not been himself.

You have to understand before the infection Jacob was light on the 7th floor -people who came into visit left...well, feeling better.  Well for the past week this has not been the case.  Jacob came back to his room -changed.  Sad I guess is the best word.  It was not simply speaking - him.

So last night we had a talk.  I asked Jake to tell me what it was that he was feeling since that terrible time in the ICU.  Two words:  sad and...mad.  So we dug deeper.  "Jacob - what is making you sad?"  He replied:  "I'm sad I feel bad"  and  "I'm sad that I can't be with my family."  I listened then I  asked "Jacob why are you mad?"  To which Jacob said "I'm mad that I have Leukemia."  and "I'm mad that I'm in the Hospital."  Clarity.  Honesty.  A weight lifted. I was able to answer:  "You know, we are all mad and we are all sad.  We are missing you too.  We are mad that you're not home with us - that you are stuck in here. We miss you."

I went on. "Jacob you have every right to be both mad and sad - but mad and sad are only two very, very small parts of your life.  Your life is bigger than mad and sad."  I went on to explain to him that if he lived out of those two very small parts of his life - it would be like having a big house and choosing to live in the crawl space like our cat does.  I'm sure the Lord was giving me the words - because he got it.

Today Jacob chose to live his life and turn away from mad and sad.  He chose to turn his light on again and not live in the crawlspace.  And the staff here - they noticed. (Jacob does not yet fully realize that his light is needed on the 7th floor) We all have those you know - our crawlspaces.  We hide in work, in business, in what we feel people value us in or for or the other lesser things in life to deal with things. We all (me included) do that.  But today I watched a young man choose to live out of the most important thing in the world - the life that the Lord gave him.

Getting that out, verbalizing the fact that this...well -sucks was so huge.  It freed him. Today was a 180.  A good 180.  I think that the light is back on.   Answered prayer for sure.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Jars of Clay

ICU.  Three letters I never wanted to hear.  Two weeks ago Jacob was taken to the ICU with a very high fever.  For a week his body battled the infection.  He spiked  at 105.7 at one point.  The impact on him was severe.

The good news is that last Monday he was returned to his room - paroled from the ICU. He's recovering as we speak.  Slowly but surely coming back.  We're waiting on his ANC to come up again after the last round of chemo - kind of like oh yeah we beat the infection now we need to get back to beating leukemia.  But the good news is I heard him laugh again today ;)   -Nothing was funny during that last week in the ICU so that was huge!  And...he's snapping legos together again!

I'm going to be the first to tell you - this is a hard, hard road.  We're tired. We are all (especially Jacob) so tired.    But obviously quitting is not an option.  Now I know what this means:

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is 
from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 
perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; 
struck down, but not destroyed. 
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, 
so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

Even though I know what it means now, I feel like I am such a mess at this moment.  I can't yet see how Jesus is being revealed in my life because of this.  Mostly I am just simply a mess.  "How's Jacob?"  I get tired of fielding that one.  "How are you?" that one too.  The answer is "we are a mess".   The answer is we are being pressed on every side - but we're still in the fight.  We are perplexed, confused and have no idea how to face all this - but we are not despairing while still acknowledging the fact that this is harder than we could have imagined and shows no sign of letting up.  We are certainly not abandoned.  Struck down?  Yeah this is a gut punch every day.  But we are still God's grace alone.

So what do we need?  Pray for Jacob for him to recover from this infection both physically and emotionally - it was hard on him.  Pray for a bone marrow donor and pray that when we go to transplant it takes - pray obviously for recovery.  Pray for Mom and Dad and Brothers and Sisters - we're a mess.  Pray mostly for the life of Jesus to be revealed in all of us. You can keep up on Lorrie's facebook that gets updated more often than this.

For all of you who have cooked meals, driven kids to Denver, helped make Jacob's room ready for an immune compromised kid, prayed for us, bought gas, talked with us, hugged us, loved us.  You have no idea the kindness you have shown us - no idea.  Thank you.