Not all better and it's OK.

So it's been a long while since I last wrote.  Suffice it to say - I went into the crawlspace (see the last post).  I love how I can  articulate to others how it's bad to go there and then I go and do it.  I was there for a long month.  I got angry, good and angry about everything.  I tried to do it all while at the same time realizing that was impossible and I failed. Then of course came the enemy, "you're not up to it" and "you're dropping things, you are...failing"

I started to make agreements with that enemy.."yep I am failing" and "I'm not handling this well". Then of course when the enemy has you there he easily gets you teetering on the brink of absolute dispair.  And there I was on the edge.  Then as God often arranges, a friend got me to open up....Kurt.  I had been complaining mightily to God. So he asked me how I was... I was honest.  Eventualy in our conversation I told Kurt " Man I am not doing this well!"  Pause....Kurt says "Marshall who could do this well?" And there it was. I had been trying to carry everything myself.  That conversation gave me permission to "not do this (my son having cancer) well."

Now then to say I am all better would be a lie.  I am not all better.  I am however now "not all better" and it's ok.  I  am (the whole family is) still in a tempest and we have no idea what beach we're going to wash up on.  But I've given myself permission to rest some and not try to carry all of it - that was an impossible task and the enemy took me out for a bit.  There is much much more to the story. But I wanted to be honest about where I've been.

The Laughterof a Warrior

 Now then Jacob - here's part of the "more". When we  checked out of the Hospital after numbers recoverd from  round 2 we had what we now call "the meeting".  Chemo  had not worked, Jacob was not in remission, we were  dealing with what the docs called a "refractory leukemia".  We were given 3 choices:  1. Take Jacob home and call it  done - he would have 3-4 months.  2. Take his already  sevearly weakend body through chemo round 3 right away  and hope for remission.  3. Go home rest, recooperate and  then try again.  No Brainer right? Option 3 it was.

And how he played, how he visited with his friends, how he laughed!  They wanted us to take him
in on that Friday after the Monday he was released.  We called the docs and told them - give us the weekend and they did.  So when Monday came we grudgingly took Jacob back to the hospital.  Now there is a routine to this.  First he gets a bone marrow biopsy.  Then he gets admitted.  Then chemo starts.  After a week of chemo and its side effects we get the results for the biopsy that Friday.

I (and the Doctors) fully expected to find Leukemia Blasts in the biopsy.  They didn't find them. I had fully expected to hear the same 'thats it' kind of news.  I heard the opposite.  The doc's even said they were surprised.  All of the sudden.  Hope.  We have even started to use the transplant word again and there are 2 perfect matches.  So pray for the Lord to 'Surprise' these doctors again.

10 mL per hour of suck.

There is hope, there is a break in the clouds - like an eye in a Typhoon.  The trial is not over. But as I sit here and watch Jacob sleep peacefully after a day of being a light to others on this floor with so much suffering on it I am thinking about this:  in a storm you have to struggle to hear someone speak to you through the wind and the rain - its been kind of like that for me. I know God is good. He never left us. He never left me. He used a friend to give me permission to "not do this well".

I have to apologize to my beautiful bride who knew I was in this hole and tried to help me when I was in that crawlspace for about 30 days.  I was a mess.  But having Lorrie greet me when I came out of the hole with that smile of hers well...there are no words. I Love my Lorrie very much.

And as for Jacob - a man can learn alot about how to walk through a trial from him.